Tag Archives: ttc

I love this!! Tea wand

Whilst in Paris, I stopped in at Galleries Lafeyette. THE most amazingly beautiful department store I’ve ever seen!!

Whilst there I picked up a loose leaf “tea wand”. It’s beautiful!

Simply fill with your loose leaf tea of choice and pop in cup of hot water. Twirl it around a bit = lovely cuppa herbal !

Here’s me drinking my Ayurevedic “harmony” tea!

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Zita West Accredited Acupunture

This week I have been very excited to start seeing a Zita West Accredited Acupunturist called Ian, who is based in Hove. Who knew there was one based in Hove!?

Whilst going through my case history and hearing myself talk about my diet and lifestyle, it sounded like I really shouldn’t have any trouble getting preggo. I don’t smoke or drink, I don’t eat crap food, I don’t drink caffeine as much as I would like to, I don’t do drugs and I take all the right supplements. I’m not stressed and I’m essentially happy.

So in reality, why isn’t it happening?

Maybe I should start blaming my hubby ?

Is there really anything more I can do? Or anything more I can restrict?

Whilst all around me my friends and colleagues announce their first babies, and then their second babies.

Infertility is like a silent scream, all day, everyday.

Methotrexate Injection

The second part of my ectopic story is that I needed to have a Methotrexate injection about 10 days after my laparoscopy.

The reason for that was because my hcg levels began to rise again.

That’s really hard. This hurt a lot and brought up some emotions. Obviously, all sad. Obviously, all desperate.

Methotrexate is a drug they give to chemo patients to stop cells multiplying, but it has applications for ectopics too. Some info here

http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Cancerinformation/Cancertreatment/Treatmenttypes/Chemotherapy/Individualdrugs/Methotrexate.aspx

They administer it via intramuscular injection into the top of your bum. The nurses that gave me my injection both wore black aprons when they gave it to me, as it’s some seriously harsh stuff!! This totally freaked me out.

All I wanted to do was draw a line under this whole sorry situation and things just kept getting worse!

After I had the injection I had a considerably amount of bleeding in my mouth and nasal passage, as it affects that tissue, but the worst was the crushing tiredness for weeks after.

I was also told to not ttc for 3 months due to the increased chance of birth defects.

Could this whole situation be any shitter?

How bad is a laparoscopy?

So just how bad is a laparoscopy?

Well, emotionally harder and physically more painful then I expected.

I had my lap in March after my 6 week ectopic was discovered. Sadly for me, it was developmentally normal and it had a heartbeat. But given I am a hardened infertile of over 6 years now, I never expected to walk away from this with a live baby. To a certain extent that has help protect me from a lot of heartache.

The whole situation happened very fast and the docs wouldn’t let me leave the hospital, I sat in the hospital corridor blubing for 3 hours before my surgery.

Coming round from surgery was pretty hardcore, I felt very sick and vomited quite a lot. The sounds of the other gynae patients around me is pretty horrible. One woman, out of her head on morphine, told me she had written a number of episodes of Coronation Street…..in her head. Bizarre!!

Spent that night not feeling very well, as the nurses woke me every few hours to check I was ok. The pain started the next day. Trapped wind is awful and more painful then you think. Peppermint oil in water is great though and moving around was better then lying down, even if I did have to wheel my drip around with me! Peppermint tea is good too.

I went home the next day and mainly just felt very tired and delicate. Recovery is fairly quick even though they sign you off work for 2 weeks! I have minimal scaring and emotionally I’m ok. Although I’ve only stopped crying daily recently.

What can you do when your alternative is death? Got to count myself lucky, I soppose?

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I think I feel normal

Finally, I think I feel normal.

I’ve been sick for 2 weeks now. Actually, properly, sick. I still have a horrible, hacking cough but, I feel well and not unhappy.

Moving on from the ectopic was actually very hard, made harder by having to have the methotrexate injection. But now there is some distance between me and the “event”  I actually feel ok. In fact, not being able to TTC for 3 months due to the methotrexate is a welcome relief and a welcome break from my Infertility. I little bit of positive in a world full of negative. I cant even try to get up the duff for another month and a half.

So thats me in a nutshell really. Not a lot to report, but I’m just trying to reach my new normal. It is also weird that I can no longer be categorised as infertile, given I’ve been pregnant twice in 11 months. That fact alone gives me some real hope for my future ttc chances.

I’m back on the supplements now too. I’m trying a new one called Macqui. Its an anti-inflamatory and an anti-oxident. Its great for anti-aging basically. Hopefully it will anti-aging my tired, old eggs!

I am still really struggling with trying to quit Caffeine. Argh!! Why?? I can quit absolutely everything else with no issue, including cigarettes, why cant I quit coffee???!!!

I’m setting myself a 7 day challenge. No starbucks and no sugar for 7 days. Do you think I can do it?

I am Fat

I am fat

I am fat

I am fat.

I’m not entirely sure how I now manage to weigh 2 stone more then my pre-ttc weight. The last stone has crept on after I had my son, in fact that last stone crept on in the last 3/4 months.

My arms look like the Michelin Man, and I look like I’ve swallowed a duvet.

I am not a pretty sight. Luckily I’m not at the stage where I have to buy a new wardrobe to accommodate my ever increasing thighs, but I’m ever so close.

To top it all off, I do not feel very good, neither health-wise, nor mood-wise. After  my failed IVF I decided that enough is enough. So I contacted Kelly from Fit not Thin @FitNotThin.

Initially, I was convinced my expanding stomach was due to damaged muscles due to carrying a baby, but given that I gave birth to him nearly 2 years ago, cant really hide behind that tired old excuse, can I!? And Kelly confirmed that there is not much wrong with my actual stomach muscles. Although, she could be wrong, she had to press down through an awful lot of fat to reach them, that’s for sure!

So here’s what’s happening, I am no longer eating cake. I am not eating carbs. I am eating salad. Lots of salad.

I see Kelly 2/3 per month. The sessions are excellent and all about weights and using the vibrating machines at the Re-vitalise Studio in Hove. I’m really loving it.

Sadly, I have also discovered a correlation between my coffee consumption and weight gain, i.e. the more coffee I drink, the more weight I gain.

Goddammit, no coffee, no fags and no cake.

 

 

 

 

Smoking Preggos

Last night I went to the pub. The whole place was heaving with families and pregnant women.

I felt completely surrounded by those lucky, happy preggos.

Some of them were smoking. SMOKING!!!!

I was so upset, I actually cried. Granted I’d had a couple of sherry’s by that point, but seriously, HOW CAN THEY DO THAT TO THEIR BABIES???? How?

So I cried out of anger and frustration and jealousy.

One of the preggos asked me if her smoking had upset me? And I said no. How could I get into an argument about this in public? How can I explain to her that I will never, ever be as blessed and as lucky as she is right now, without sounding like I’m completely barmy?

I tried to explain how I felt to my friend, who just kept saying how lucky I am to have had my son, and yes, I know I am lucky, and more thankful then you could ever imagine, but I’m sad for me and I’m sad for a future that will never exist. But most of all I am sad for my little boy, because I feel like I’ve failed him.

Anyway, this walking away from TTC is much harder then I thought.