Last night I went to the pub. The whole place was heaving with families and pregnant women.
I felt completely surrounded by those lucky, happy preggos.
Some of them were smoking. SMOKING!!!!
I was so upset, I actually cried. Granted I’d had a couple of sherry’s by that point, but seriously, HOW CAN THEY DO THAT TO THEIR BABIES???? How?
So I cried out of anger and frustration and jealousy.
One of the preggos asked me if her smoking had upset me? And I said no. How could I get into an argument about this in public? How can I explain to her that I will never, ever be as blessed and as lucky as she is right now, without sounding like I’m completely barmy?
I tried to explain how I felt to my friend, who just kept saying how lucky I am to have had my son, and yes, I know I am lucky, and more thankful then you could ever imagine, but I’m sad for me and I’m sad for a future that will never exist. But most of all I am sad for my little boy, because I feel like I’ve failed him.
Anyway, this walking away from TTC is much harder then I thought.