Category Archives: Mr Taranissi

I think I feel normal

Finally, I think I feel normal.

I’ve been sick for 2 weeks now. Actually, properly, sick. I still have a horrible, hacking cough but, I feel well and not unhappy.

Moving on from the ectopic was actually very hard, made harder by having to have the methotrexate injection. But now there is some distance between me and the “event”  I actually feel ok. In fact, not being able to TTC for 3 months due to the methotrexate is a welcome relief and a welcome break from my Infertility. I little bit of positive in a world full of negative. I cant even try to get up the duff for another month and a half.

So thats me in a nutshell really. Not a lot to report, but I’m just trying to reach my new normal. It is also weird that I can no longer be categorised as infertile, given I’ve been pregnant twice in 11 months. That fact alone gives me some real hope for my future ttc chances.

I’m back on the supplements now too. I’m trying a new one called Macqui. Its an anti-inflamatory and an anti-oxident. Its great for anti-aging basically. Hopefully it will anti-aging my tired, old eggs!

I am still really struggling with trying to quit Caffeine. Argh!! Why?? I can quit absolutely everything else with no issue, including cigarettes, why cant I quit coffee???!!!

I’m setting myself a 7 day challenge. No starbucks and no sugar for 7 days. Do you think I can do it?

I am Fat

I am fat

I am fat

I am fat.

I’m not entirely sure how I now manage to weigh 2 stone more then my pre-ttc weight. The last stone has crept on after I had my son, in fact that last stone crept on in the last 3/4 months.

My arms look like the Michelin Man, and I look like I’ve swallowed a duvet.

I am not a pretty sight. Luckily I’m not at the stage where I have to buy a new wardrobe to accommodate my ever increasing thighs, but I’m ever so close.

To top it all off, I do not feel very good, neither health-wise, nor mood-wise. After  my failed IVF I decided that enough is enough. So I contacted Kelly from Fit not Thin @FitNotThin.

Initially, I was convinced my expanding stomach was due to damaged muscles due to carrying a baby, but given that I gave birth to him nearly 2 years ago, cant really hide behind that tired old excuse, can I!? And Kelly confirmed that there is not much wrong with my actual stomach muscles. Although, she could be wrong, she had to press down through an awful lot of fat to reach them, that’s for sure!

So here’s what’s happening, I am no longer eating cake. I am not eating carbs. I am eating salad. Lots of salad.

I see Kelly 2/3 per month. The sessions are excellent and all about weights and using the vibrating machines at the Re-vitalise Studio in Hove. I’m really loving it.

Sadly, I have also discovered a correlation between my coffee consumption and weight gain, i.e. the more coffee I drink, the more weight I gain.

Goddammit, no coffee, no fags and no cake.

 

 

 

 

Smoking Preggos

Last night I went to the pub. The whole place was heaving with families and pregnant women.

I felt completely surrounded by those lucky, happy preggos.

Some of them were smoking. SMOKING!!!!

I was so upset, I actually cried. Granted I’d had a couple of sherry’s by that point, but seriously, HOW CAN THEY DO THAT TO THEIR BABIES???? How?

So I cried out of anger and frustration and jealousy.

One of the preggos asked me if her smoking had upset me? And I said no. How could I get into an argument about this in public? How can I explain to her that I will never, ever be as blessed and as lucky as she is right now, without sounding like I’m completely barmy?

I tried to explain how I felt to my friend, who just kept saying how lucky I am to have had my son, and yes, I know I am lucky, and more thankful then you could ever imagine, but I’m sad for me and I’m sad for a future that will never exist. But most of all I am sad for my little boy, because I feel like I’ve failed him.

Anyway, this walking away from TTC is much harder then I thought.

2014

Hello everybody.

One of my lovely twitter pals, @SarahJLawson82,  has recently posted on her blog about the highs of 2013 and her wishes for 2014. I thought it was a fantastic idea and compiled my own list. It really did make me think. I wish my highs of 2013 had been better and more of them.

Its been a fairly crappy year all in all. Especially as my IVF had failed and I made the horrible decision to stop TTC. I find that the best way to cope with this is to not think about it. So that’s what I do, I don’t think about having a baby and don’t think about never having a baby. If I did, it would be too painful.

Anyway, here it is:

Awesome things from 2013

  • I continue to be incredibly thankful and in awe of my gorgeous and growing son
  • I stopped smoking
  • I now do a job I don’t hate with every fibre of my body
  • I celebrated 5 years of marriage
  • I have managed to downsize/de-clutter my entire house
  • I made the difficult decision to quit TTC

 

Get a life in 2014

  • Go on holiday (I’ve not been for nearly 6 years)
  • Write more
  • Have a loft extension built
  • Renovate our garden and erect a Summer House
  • Lose 2 stone (I weight 2 stone more then my pre ttc weight)
  • Do more things I enjoy eg reflexology, having my nails done etc
  • Go to the theatre more, especially the ballet which I love
  • Decorate Samuel’s room and theme it – pirates
  • Learn to cook

Sarah’s blog is www.one-daybaby.blogspot.co.uk Go check out her lists.

And make your own! Let me know how you get on!

 

 

 

 

 

Reflexology

 

A few weeks ago I attended an event for mums called “Big Sunday” www.bigsunday.co.uk

 Its brilliant and gave me the opportunity to do loads of lovely things like, Yoga and pilates but I also had reflexology by the wonderful @Lunatreatments.

It was only for 20 minutes but I remembered why I loved reflexology in the first place and wondered why I had stopped going? I used to go every couple of weeks when I first started trying for a baby 6 long years ago.

So I booked another appointment and went to see Selina at Gingko in Kemp Town last week for the full hour!

Even though I am no longer trying for a baby, there are benefits in having reflexology for fertility purposes:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-20980/Is-reflexology-new-cure-infertility.html

Ok, ok! Not the most scientific of articles, but you get the picture!

Have a look at this article for more info:

http://www.naturaltherapypages.co.uk/article/reflexology_for_fertility

Anyway, I loved it! Such a nice treatment, really relaxing and I had some much needed alone time! Its great to just lie back and relax. Something I never, ever do.

Selina picked up my lazy left ovary – amazing!

If you want a bit of “quiet from the crazy”, I would recommend this. Its good to be kind to yourself. Something us IF ladies never do.

I also booked a session for my husband. I really hope he loves it too!

If you are in Brighton, check out http://lunatreatments.co.uk/

IVF Number 4

I didn’t really tell anyone I was having IVF number 4. and I especially haven’t really discussed it with anyone as it was a total and utter disaster from start to finish.

I don’t even know where to start.

The bottom line is that my already compromised “fertility” has completely fallen off a cliff and my baby making days are over.

I produced only 2 eggs on this round, having always produced 7 in the last 3 rounds, therefore my 2 pathetic little eggs were not given the opportunity to go blastocysts, as, what would be the point?

But if your eggs don’t develop to blasto’s, how will you ever know that they would have made it that far anyway? This just makes the 2WW even more torturous and quite frankly, an utter waste of time and emotions and hope.

So now what? I’m done with this hideous roller coaster and I’m done being sad all the time. I cant continue to spend ever second of every hour thinking about my lack of fertility and I cant keep hemorrhaging money trying to make this work, nor can I bankrupt us in the process.

Time to face facts – I’m never having another baby, I better just get on with my life instead of it being perpetually on hold.

And with this in mind,  I quit my job on Monday.

I’m now enjoying some time off work and spending as much time as I can with my darling baby boy. I’m drinking a lot of coffee and not taking a million and one supplements!

So now what do I do with my life?

 

 

Hormones

I’m fairly sure my hormones are all over the place at the moment. What makes me say this is that I have spots! On my chin and on my back and its not from the DHEA as I haven’t been taking it recently. Plus I have definitely had some angry moments recently. (mostly aimed at my poor husband).

If my hormones aren’t “right”, then I doubt my baby making capability is 100%. In fact I’m certain that if my hormones are functioning properly, I’ll never make a baby without the aid of IVF.

This is what I am doing to try and correct this problem.

  •  I have cut out caffeine
  • I have stopped eating wheat and any “white food” – I’m trying to lower my gluten as I’ve heard good things about gluten free diets or at least low GI diets
  • I’m not having any artificial sweeteners – aspartame is now banned in the US, so that cant be good
  • I’ve started taking Wheatgrass juice again
  • Agnus Castus
  • Vitamin B supplement
  • Evening primrose oil
  • Fertility Tea – it contains Red Raspberry to regulate menstrual cycle (mine has been all over the place recently – uh oh – is that the menopause looming????!!!)

 I am also exercising. I just feel that if I can make my body as healthy as I can, then things might start to work properly.

I have also been helping a friend who might have PCOS. I really think going on a PCOS diet could be really beneficial for her.

 I’ve also started listening to the Zita West CD. Its very relaxing and I hope that its doing some good. My FSH has always been bad but recent tests have suggested its ok. The Zita West CD talks about optimal amounts of hormones being released. Hope its doing me some good.

What more can I do to balance my hormones? Any idea, tips or tricks, let me know!

Connect with me more:

e: jo@assistfertility.co.uk

t: @assist fertility

f: www.facebook.com/AssistFertility

w. www.assistfertility.co.uk

buy fertility tea: www.assistfertility.co.uk/buynow